Club Review: Heaven, London

ukevents.net · Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 2517

One Night in Heaven

Having many gay friends, it seems that the only clubs I get dragged into are those of a homosexual nature. I am sure a lot of you out there are familiar with the life of a ‘Fag Hag’ and can sympathise with my situation, I always accompany my gay friends on a night out in Soho but I have recently noticed that they have not been so keen on accompanying me to the many straight bars and clubs I suggest. Although this is something I have noticed, I do not feel disadvantaged by it because I can honestly say that I have not had as much fun in a straight nightclub as I have had in a gay nightclub and a particular favourite of mine is Heaven.
After spending a good two hours (at least) getting ready with my friends and spending another hour waiting for the boys to finish doing their hair, we ran to the train station, handbags flying, just in time to arrive into central London at a reasonable hour to begin our partying. Upon entering the club, one is subjected to quite strict security procedures and all gum is confiscated, don’t worry about knives or drugs, as long as there is no gum in the vicinity, everyone is safe. When I first entered the club, my first observation was that the room did not at all resemble my previous perceptions of ‘Heaven’. It was dark, gloomy and there were even darker alcoves around the bar area filled with people groping each other which was quite unsettling. The one thing about Heaven that I can relate to its namesake beyond the pearly gates is the absolutely divine barmen. Apparently ‘straight’, these men glided around the bar, topless with fine chiselled, angelic bodies on show. Once I had pulled myself together enough to purchase a drink, I began to explore this underground rabbit warren of drag queens and other gloriously dressed people.
Upon further inspection, I saw that some of the dark alcoves were actually tunnels (also filled with groping people) and through them I encountered the main ‘hardcore’ dance floor. This was very much a trance music, strobe lighting and an extremely energetic dancing affair and was much too sweaty for me so I battled my way out again and came back to my starting point where I concluded that those people had a little too much gum. After throwing one particularly beautiful barman what I hoped to be a steamy, sensual look, I made my way to the stairs at the end of the bar. This took me up to a large, very messy looking room with a dance floor in the middle and two bars at each end. This room was the R&B and Hip Hop room and after chatting to a few people I learnt that most people here were in fact straight males (the reason being that this part of Heaven is one of the best R&B/Hip Hop clubs around.... apparently). It was nice to see that so many men had braved the winks and bum pinches for a good night out.
After I had worn myself out with some bumping and grinding in this room, I went for a walk and discovered yet another flight of stairs. These led me up to a much smaller and sweatier room that was dominated by tunes from artists such as Madonna, Britney Spears, Abba... you catch my drift, It was obvious that I had now entered the Cheese room. Although I have already expressed my dislike for particularly sweaty and enthusiastic dancers, please remember that by this time I was measurably more tipsy then I was on arrival so felt that this was the best room EVER and I was not going to leave all night. I bopped the night away in extremely cramped conditions and fell down the nooks and crannies of the hazardly constructed stage area for a good hour or two before fighting my way to an exit and hoping the pain screaming from my ankles was not due to any breakages.
I found a small flight of stairs that I hadn’t seen previously and thought “Surely there’s not more to this place”. My excitement rose as I descended painfully down the stairs and quickly waned again as I found myself back in the hardcore strobe lighting room. It looked just as unappealing as it did the first time round, especially from this angle so I made a hasty trip down the stairs and back to the first bar where the man of my dreams was still working. Apparently my earlier look had the intended effect as he was definitely gracing me with a smouldering look of his own, my friend was adamant that he was in fact looking at him but I will always believe otherwise.

Written by Phiona for UKEvents.net