Dear Alcohol

DebbieH258 · Joined: 15 Dec 2003 Posts: 26

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my
speciality, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce,
along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down with
chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:

This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last
point
below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on
my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes,
upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.
Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when
a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:

If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not.
Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually
know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal ! from now on.
While I may be
thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop
this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please
stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up
face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while
I'm with
you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have
worn
off??

6. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous now. I know
a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3 p.m hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.

My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing
out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or
Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only
fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan

ash_the_minx · Joined: 04 Jul 2004 Posts: 12159 Location: cumbria!!

That is so true!!!! hahaha!

Mullin · Joined: 16 Aug 2004 Posts: 20062 Location: Ivybridge

Ha ha that is wicked! :lol:

Macs34 · Joined: 25 Mar 2004 Posts: 3467 Location: Kenya

DebbieH258 wrote: Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my
speciality, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce,
along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down with
chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I
think you went too far this time.

Thank you from your biggest fan

*thinking very heard* i thought i had answered this one!!!! :scratch:

~~debbydo~~ · Joined: 18 Jul 2005 Posts: 20003 Location: Hertfordshire

ermmm this sounds like me ....
i talk loads of rubbish when i drink and i talk loads ..

Macs34 · Joined: 25 Mar 2004 Posts: 3467 Location: Kenya

~~debbydo~~ wrote: ermmm this sounds like me ....
i talk loads of rubbish when i drink and i talk loads ..

oh realy lov to see u drunk! :)